What's the vibe for 2023?

Well folks, we made it. After a long and eventful year that left me feeling like I got hit by a Ford Fiesta, I am beaming with joy for all of us that we have finally made it to the other side.

Being the (self-proclaimed) culture expert that I am, I thought I'd do the internet a favor by setting a few things straight regarding what the vibe is for this brand new year. I don't want to jinx anything, but I'm feeling really optimistic (I type as I hold my breath and look up to the sky to plead to god to finally spare us) and excited for all the adventures that lie ahead. So, here's a random little list of what is IN and what is OUT in 2023. These are obviously all true and gospel and universal. Sorry, I don't make the rules--well I guess in this case I actually do.

IN:

Celebrating getting older

I am so beyond exhausted of people acting like turning 30 is a death sentence. No matter how old you are, the only alternative to aging is dying young. There are so many people who haven't had the privilege of staying on this earth for as long as you. Be thankful! Not dreadful.

Being cringe

I touched on this briefly in my last post, but your fear of embarrassment is one of the biggest obstacles holding you back! I know this is much easier said than done, but I need y'all to understand that whether or not other people think you're cool does not matter even a little bit. Only when we embrace our cringe will we be truly free.

Being educated

This doesn't mean I think everyone should just drop what they're doing and enroll in college; I just think that reading books and staying up to date with the news and always keeping your eye out for new ways to learn about this crazy world we're living in is like, really hot.

Being mean to people in positions of power

Billionaires, politicians, cops, you name it! The whole purpose of police and elected officials is to adhere to the wishes and wellbeing of the people. If we, as the people, are not pleased, we should let it be known! Billionaires, however, don't even have an intended utility the way the other groups do, so be as mean and evil and nasty to them as you want. You have infinitely more in common with a homeless person than a billionaire--don't forget that.

Bar soap

It's so much better for the environment than liquid soap and so much more fun! A magic little rock that bubbles up and cleans you?? I'll take two!

Hugs

Did you know that you need four hugs a day? MINIMUM??? I learned that from a cute little song they taught us in kindergarten. I definitely didn't get enough hugs last year, so rectifying that in 2023 is a must for me. Hold the ones you love close and often! Just make sure you have their consent first.

OUT:

Self-deprecating humor

While there definitely are appropriate ways to poke fun at ourselves, joking about hating yourself and wanting to die are soooooo not the vibe. I know everyone copes with their struggles in different ways, but you're not funny--you need to see a therapist. Instead of being the kind of silly goose that constantly makes jokes at their own expense, be the kind of silly goose who is so in love with themself that it borders on delusion.

AI art

Some of y'all are gonna hate me for this one but AI art is so unbelievably corny and lame. Those generators steal from real artists and have lots of biases embedded within them. If you want some art, just commission a real person. You'll be supporting real creativity and an actual individual living, breathing human being! Which is way more badass!

Men talking

Pleaseeeeee I am BEGGING for no more podcasts, no more discourse, no more "inspirational TikToks, no more masculinity courses--I have truly had enough. If you're a man, continue your daily little conversations as usual, but maybe let's try to keep the volume to a minimum. You guys are so loud and you're literally everywhere. Is it really too much for me to ask for a little peace? I'm sending you guys nothing but love and warm wishes, but just be quiet this year, okay? <3 This one's for the girlies.

Planning

As a person who genuinely cannot survive without her day planner, I understand how bizarre this sounds. But if the past three years have taught us anything, it's that getting too attached to our plans and visions for for the future often just leads to disappointment, and that the state of the universe is extremely unpredictable. So, obviously do what you need to do to be a functioning human, but don't hold your ideas of what the future will/should look like too tightly. Less plans, more wander!

Working

Kim Kardashian may have been wrong and ridiculously out of touch with the general public when she said "it seems like nobody wants to work these days", but she was spot on about me. I don't want to work anymore. I'm tired. I think we should leave the whole idea of labor in 2022 and just hang out all 2023 instead. I'm really good at hanging out.

Being cool and mysterious

Let's just cut the bullshit, alright? We are all insane, it's time we stop pretending we're not. Stop trying to be chill and start being the weird, annoying bitch you were always meant to be.

Well there ya have it! I know this list probably came off as a bit nonsensical, but facts are facts! If you ever find yourself in a pinch and aren't sure how to proceed in a way that's tactful and aligned with the vibes of this year, feel free to refer back to this post at anytime. I'm here to help, after all. I hope you all have an absolutely lovely 2023 and take the time to bask in the hope and optimism that comes with a new year. Love you!